I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize