someone threw a dead crab at me
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
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