see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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