i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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