I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
