just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I want a musical about memes.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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