My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
