Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
