I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
