Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
