I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My orgasm happened in two different decades
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
