Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
