im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
