Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
