I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
