somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
