Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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