Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
