I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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