I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
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