so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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