I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
