i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
