sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
