my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
