I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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