I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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