i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
