I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you mean i was at the winter classic?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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