12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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