I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My ass is underappreciated
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
