I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
