I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
