careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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