mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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