Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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