Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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