it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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