were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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