Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
