remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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