Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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