so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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