Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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