i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
