i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
