Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize