im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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