Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
