i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
