you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My bed smells like the plague
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
