giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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