the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
