turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
