sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize