Old men and throwing up are my life now.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
