You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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