she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
