best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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