I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Boobs are out for the taking
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
